i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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