The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
