Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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