My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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