Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
