The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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