I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
COCAINE IS GR8
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
