The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize