Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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