Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
