im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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