Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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