why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
