My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
