why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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