There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
