sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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