I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
