im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
