I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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