My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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