He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize