if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
