Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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