Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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