don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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