when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
