I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
