Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
