He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
