You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
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