guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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