when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
