i already hear my dad disowning me
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
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