# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Define "chronic" masturbator.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
