Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
