the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Randomize
