2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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