He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
