She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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