fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
