I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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