Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
