Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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