Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
