I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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