I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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