Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
