Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
