Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
