thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Girls should come with a carfax report
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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