you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
