I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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