Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
