she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
