i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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