you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
